Lonely, yeah that's the word
I leave my heart when I leave her
The days go on forever and the nights do too

One evening out on the road
A half a world away from home
I thought she was sleeping
When the call came through

I said, Darling, it's late, is everything ok
Silence took over the room
Til she said

I... I just love you
I don't know why, I just do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too

Lonely lets me be
For awhile she sets me free
I close my eyes and I dream of her

She's lost in my arms
Her head on my heart
And softly she whispers the words

I... I just love you
I don't know why, I just do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
And I just love you too

I'll never stop being amazed
How my 4 year old girl knows exactly what to say

I... I just love you
I don't know why, I just do
When are you coming home
I'm coming home soon
Cause I just love you too

written by Shaye Smith and John Ondrasik

what a treasure!

Just noticed that Five for Fighting uploaded this song onto their myspace ---
glorious synchronicity, I feel blessed to recognize...

for My Love, somewhere out there...

"I just love you"... how marvelous a line is that? =)
and also "I'll never stop being amazed"... how perfect indeed!

Namaste'.

love,
Cynthia

I felt the roller coaster of emotions again today...
and I know why I lean toward the relaxation of spirit and dreams,
because Reality is very harsh sometimes.

I refuse to give in and compromise my goals, because I feel so close to achieving what I need and want in my life. I am providing an example for my children to Do What You Want To Do... and mainly, this means being with my children as much as possible. Since Audrey lives at her dad's in Houston, this means being with Claire as much as possible. Raising my 4 yr old daughter instead of working full time and having someone else raise her while I exhaust myself physically and spiritually with some shit job that doesn't pay the bills anyway is what I Do... despite the challenges.

Sometimes there are no easy answers, and My Love encourages/ urges  me to keep my heart open and Listen for guidance.

So, I posted 3 separate ads on Craigslist today under services --- creative, household, and therapeutic --- for the massage therapy I can provide as well as housekeeping and detailed organization as a personal assistant. Freelance Queen is my desire, I fear being trapped into an assumed contract and feeling less able to pursue my many other interests. I Must Be Free.

Before this day has even ended, I've received 4 calls/ emails - 1 confirmed appointment. So, ok Spirit --- I hear ya, all I had to do was post the ads... been avoiding this for awhile. Didn't know how quickly the answers would come.

Thank you, Spirit, for helping me to provide better for myself and Claire, instead of just hanging on by my fingernails! (what fingernails?)

Trusting, but moving forward at the same time.

Looking forward to March 2009 --- hoping to have saved a nice nest egg of funds by that time, before sailing off to unknown adventures. I am so excited!

With Much Love,
Namaste'.

Cynthia

Blessed, I was born healthy to wonderful and loving parents, who supported my every dream. I was married once to a sweet man, and we just grew apart after a few years. Met my oldest daughter's father, but never married. We have been co-parenting for most of her life, and since she was 12, she decided that it was only fair that she live with him and his wife, who provide her loving support and have always been some of my dearest friends. How lucky Audrey is! --- and Then, when Audrey was 9, I met and fell quickly in love with the father of my youngest daughter. We married and lived lovingly for several months until health concerns for both of us proved it necessary for me to return to my mother's home while pregnant. In love and friendship, my second husband and I decided to divorce when Claire was a month old. We have remained the dearest of friends and support one another's every ambition.

Life is incredible here in the Hill Country, just west of Austin, Texas. Like a postcard!

My New Love is a constant reminder of how beautiful a soulful connection can be... His soft caress and warm embrace fill me with the sweetest dreams and visions of what will be... and how we will grow together, learning and laughing and loving all the way toward fulfilling our every desire, as partners as well as individuals. He is absolutely the best I could ever have hoped for!

My cup runneth over with inspiration!

My life has been an easy flowing river ---- simple pleasures and lovely moments all along the way. Poetry and love songs can't capture how wonderful my life has been... but I love being able to relate to the beauty written by so many different authors.


(the above written is Fiction.)

I have a universe inside me
Where I can go and spirit guides me
There I can ask oh any question
I get the answers if I listen
I have a healing room inside me
The loving healers there they feed me
They make me happy with their laughter
They kiss and tell me I'm their daughter
I'm their daughter
They say
You have a little voice inside you
It doesn't matter who you think you may be
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I'm not the lie that lives outside you
And it doesn't matter what
You think you believe
You're not free if you don't know me
If you don't know me
See I am the universe inside you
You come to me and I will guide you
And make you happy with laughter
I joy in seeing you're my daughter
You're my daughter
So believe you're not free if
you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me
If you don't know me

by Sinead O'Connor

Oh the luck today!!

Claire and I drove downtown earlier and like a dope, I was planning to go to a music store... it donned on me when I reached one at Barton Springs and Lamar that they were closed for ACL!! LOL --- anyway, so we were making our way towards Westlake through the traffic and were Detoured!!

Oh how I love Detours in life, and this one was quite magical indeed!

We had a little time to spare before meeting one of my best friends and her little girl at the Hill Country Galleria for dinner... and I passed a rummage sale with a sign "Fill a Bag for $5"... a lot of books laying out that I thought (knew??) might be interesting... First time through them, I collected 3 and then went to other areas, chasing Claire around a little... "Mama Donna", a young grandmother seeming to be in her early 50s, was giving Claire cookies and candy and sprayed her legs with Off after asking me if she could. I really was trying to just put the books back down, since I haven't read the ones I've got on my shelf, but the 2nd time looking through them, I collected more, and then the 3rd time through, I saw even more that I hadn't noticed the first or second time....

A moment where the books just called to me, you know? Among the many I selected: a cookbook, a book about "What you don't know could kill you" - alternative health tips on mercury and nutrition stuff that I'm interested in, a book titled The Woman Warrior - Memoirs of a Girlhood among Ghosts =), Graining the Mare - The Poetry of Ranch Women =), Thinking on Paper, and another memoir copywrited 1919 with an introduction by Teddy Roosevelt, Captain Macklin... Strange reasons for my selecting some of these, like I said, I felt they jumped into my hands... and they all fit perfectly into the small plastic bag!! =)

While arranging them in the bag, Mama Donna let me know that most of these things belonged to her Best Friend of 40 years, Barbara, who died 10 months ago from some kind of heart failure, I think... she said it has taken her this long to have this sale... and she wept, mourning the loss of her friend like it was yesterday... I wept as well... instantly feeling what she felt... I actually seemed to Feel Barbara's spirit very strong around all her things and I let Mama Donna know this --- she was sitting on her porch, I was several feet away, below her... I gave money to Claire who brought it to Mama Donna, and I said "Give her a hug"... When Mama Donna noticed that I was so moved emotionally, she said, "You go get a toy or a game on your way out for that little girl..." and not taking that much time, I passed over some games that were too old for her, and before I reached the area of toys, I looked down to see a CD of Children's Music laying on the grass!!!! ---- "I'll take this cd of children's music! Barbara must have placed it there for me!!" In soft tears of joy, I went to the car with Claire and listened to the collection, some familiar to Claire, some new! All traditional.

I love how intune I have become lately... I'm not exactly sure what brought me to this place,  today.... reconnecting with friends from long ago (a decade or more) in recent months, connecting with new friends - both male and female, who feel like Sweet Supportive Family... My age may have something to do my Spiritual state, PMS, or the chemical imbalance of feeling In Love, or sleeping less as I am absorbing alot of online information, eating less because I feel full... sort of the feeling of fasting, perhaps has something to do with this Spiritual state... I don't know the reasons, but I am absolutely thrilled!!!

From this magical place, magical things take place. Divine Intervention can perhaps be more easily recognized with the small stuff and also the big stuff of life.

I feel like a child in some ways... and I think this is a wonderful place to be learning!!

I'm trying to control my tantrums when I don't get everything I want when I want it... =)

Namaste'.

and with love,
Cynthia

Il a mis le café

He put the coffee

Dans la tasse

In the cup

Il a mis le lait

He put the milk

Dans la tasse de café

In the cup of coffee

Il a mis le sucre

He put the sugar

Dans le café au lait

In the white coffee

Avec la petite cuiller

With the teaspoon

Il a tourné

He stirred it

Il a bu le café au lait

He drank the white coffee

Et il a reposé la tasse

And he replaced the cup

Sans me parler

Without speaking to me

Il a allumé

He lit

Une cigarette

A cigarette

Il a fait des ronds

He blew rings

Avec la fumée

With the smoke

Il a mis les cendres

He put the ash

Dans le cendrier

In the ash tray

Sans me parler

Without speaking to me

Sans me regarder

Without looking at me

Il s'est levé

He rose

Il a mis

He put

Son chapeau sur sa tête

His hat on his head

Il a mis son manteau de pluie

He donned his raincoat

Parce qu'il pleuvait

Because it was raining

Et il est parti

And he left

Sous la pluie

In the rain

Sans une parole

Without a word

Sans me regarder

Without looking at me

Et moi j'ai pris

And me, I put

Ma tête dans ma main

My head in my hands

Et j'ai pleuré

And I cried

written by Jacques Prevert

This poem I learned in 9th grade French class. The memory of it returned to my heart in recent days... the beauty of it remains awe inspiring...

I found it on a site called Poetry as a Measure of Learning, and this poem is described as "creating a sense of quiet desperation"... my impression exactly!

Quite powerful --- I hope you like it as much as I do.

much Love,
Cynthia

The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the empty skies, my love,
To the dark and the empty skies.

The first time ever I kissed your mouth
And felt your heart beat close to mine
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love,
That was there at my command.

And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
And I knew our joy would fill the earth
And last till the end of time, my love,
It would last till the end of time, my love...

The first time ever I saw your face, your face,
your face... your face...



Written 1957 by Ewan MacColl for his wife Peggy Seeger....
their love story as folk singers is rather interesting
and beautiful.

How much do I love you?
I'll tell you no lie
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?
How many times in a day
Do I think of you?
How many roses are
Sprinkled with dew?

How far would I travel
Just to be where you are?
How far is the journey
From here to a star?
And if I ever lost you
How much would I cry?
How deep is the ocean?
How high is the sky?

(Irving Berlin)

I think timing is magnificent and perfect, actually --- even when we feel that it isn't.

My first tattoo is of a tiny dagger just above my left breast, along with the letters TIM close to it. I was sad after the loss of a 2-year relationship I thought would last forever... I was the one who left to find something Real, after we were pretending to be married for so long... not cohabitating though... I regretted leaving upon realizing that Tim truly did love me, and expressed his affection and committment in the only ways he could. It just wasn't enough for me, and I no longer regret that we are apart. But Wow - the pain was great! --- I cried such tears that I found myself smiling in joy that I could feel so much sorrow!

"Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun,
so too must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life,
your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy.
And you would accept the seasons of your heart,
even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief."

Gibran writes the feelings of my heart in these poignant phrases.
-
The comedy life offers, is that 4 months after missing this former love in my life, and after having the tattoo stamped on my chest, committing myself to the life of a Spinster... I fell into the arms of another. Short-lived ---  this astronaut and veternarian I met at a local pub seemed quite honest in his plans with me, but never did I even receive a phone call... amazing, I laugh at this still... Appearances can be deceiving - what we see or what we hear, that is.

In still later months, I was able to laugh about the pain that was quickly fading. I joked that the letters were an acronym and not a man's name "The Inspirational Moment, of course!" and one friend joked back, "That's Im-Mature". Another friend once took a black marker while we were hanging out at a pub with a group of friends and added to the letters, perhaps upon my direction (I want to give credit where it's due, but I honestly can't remember) - so on my chest read "TIMING BITES".  I thought it was awesome! --- and great fun, actually! --- Being able to laugh at the painful memory provided tremendous healing for me.

-

So I find myself today contemplating a new love... and of course, many memories have returned as well as the insecurities, both conscious and subconscious. I wondered earlier today if I'm feeling insecure about this new romance because of poor timing. Whether due to my current professional committments, ending in 5 months, which prevent me from enjoying certain freedoms in the evening and weekend hours... or His professional committments which keep him generally unavailable to spend more time with me, if he wanted to... any number of issues could be the excuse, and I find that timing is actually perfect for us to have met. Time will provide the answers whether this romance will be short-lived like the astronaut or long-lasting, as "Tim" and a few others have been.

I feel such a beautiful soulful connection to this Man... and I pray it doesn't end because of my fear, or better still, the fear that I freely admit to Him, as I struggle to understand my emotions and feelings of emptiness.

I feel pain because I care about Him. This feeling of Love I welcome always to my life, as the lessons it seems to always teach me. Yesterday during our visit, He asked me about the relationship with my father. Curious as to why... I first responded in jest "It was wonderful!" --- then was honest enough to admit that my father was an alcoholic who likely suffered abuse as a child and didn't have a very good life this time around. I forgive my father and love him completely, and welcome his guidance from the afterlife.

I find that there are no coincidences in this life. Everything happens as it should in perfect timing. If I am alone, it's where I'm supposed to be. If I am feeling empty, it is so that I find what I need. There exists always the ebb and flow.

Holding onto a moment,
it slips through my fingers like sand.

Time never stands still,
and we learn that these
Precious moments ---
full of life and love,
they come and they go.

Each feels like an eternity:
being engulfed in the moment,
and after the moment has passed.

The emptiness can feel unbearable.

Fear not, I remind myself -
just as these precious moments pass away,
they will rise again, just like the morning sun.

Something I wrote after leaving His side last week... thoughts I've held close since my early 20s and reading William Wordsworth's "She Was A Phantom of Delight". I love how he writes of his wife as being "a moment's ornament".

I love Him... regardless of what may come. I am indeed enjoying the miracle that I shared many beautiful moments with this Man, and if I am lucky, we will share many more as we each grow spiritually.

Namaste'.